Oddly Pensive

Another mood. The introverted, will-do-anything to avoid homework, slightly tired type mood. The one that makes me the most introverted and pensive. And since I still don't have that pensieve....
I'm still listening to the Snow Patrol song. I've been listening to it for a few hours. Just the one song. It's making me have one of those "I want a relationship" moments. It's about someone hitting a really rocky point in their relationship and missing their significant other, and hoping it will work out while they're still angered. It makes me want someone to love me in that way. Mad, but saddened at the same time, and missing me even when I screw something up. Moreover...I want to be kissed. Kind of a lot at the moment. I've never been. I'm 19....goodness! How long can this take!!!!! Seriously. Someone has to notice me. And ask me out. Someday. Hopefully that day won't be too far off. I'm tired of being asked by my older cousins if anything is happening relationship-wise and then the awkward silence or the look of surprise after I answer, for the millionth time, no nothing's happened yet. At all. I just want to experience...a date. A kiss. The things teenage girls are meant to go through. The things pretty much everyone else experienced in the beginning of high school. *exasperated sigh*
I've realized something odd about myself. Something I kind of don't like. Nor do I understand it. I can carry on a conversation with some people sooo easily, completely without effort, constant chatter and talking. And then...with others...it takes effort. And there's crickets. Lots of them. I don't know why this is. Seriously. Because it's usually the ones I'm the most quiet around that I really want to have these prolonged conversations with. It's not like I don't want to talk...because I do. I hate silence and crickets. But somehow....I have a hard time thinking of things to say, or coming up with replies. I hate being shy. I don't even know if that's part of the problem, but I still strongly dislike it. And I don't want to be that way. I want to talk to people, even people I just met, and especially the ones I'm having difficulties thinking of things to say around. It's difficult. I'm trying to work on it, I really am. But I'm having a hard time with it. It's something I can't seem to change. At least not easily. It's how I've always been, and changing such a constant part of my personality is...rough. The advice of a buddy keeps running through my mind..."fake it until you make it"...and I wish that I could do that...but it's hard to feign conversation. Especially when you can't think of anything to say. Kind of impossible.
Insecurities are not fun. Someday *I hope* I'll have changed this. But it is taking forever. And I'm losing patience. I'm losing patience with a lot at the moment. This especially. *Why* can't I just be normal and talkative and outgoing....and *why* is it that I'm only sooo shy around certain people???
I feel like dancing. Like ballet type dancing. Or figure skating. Not the pathetic half glide with my arms sticking straight out to keep balance, but real, graceful skating. The two things I would love to learn and still don't know. I need to release some energy that is pent up inside me that's usually not there. Not hyper energy. Not any energy I'm used to having. It's strange. I just need something other than writing and music. Something graceful. Maybe I need marching band. Maybe that's why I haven't really felt like this before...because from June through November I had a release. For three years.
I know I know and it's back to that topic...that whole can of worms I thought I had worked out last time I wrote about it. Well, that can of worms is back. I still miss it dearly, and I always will.
I have a feeling that part of this mood is that song. Maybe sleep has something to do with it too. Maybe I'll wake up tomorrow and be over this mood and actually be capable of concentrating on homework.
I hope so...