pensive and sleepy...

The trailer?
BEST FIFTY FOUR SECONDS OF MY LIFE.
AMAZING.
WONDERFUL.
The movie?
...eh...
ok. *shrugs*
Very relationship-esque and centered around animated penguins that acted akin to young children.
I'm not that moved by romance. Or kids.
It was...okay, I guess.
Afterwards, it was a game of Life in Melissa's room.
Which was great fun.
And got me thinking.
The whole game is based off of major life events. College, job, marraige, home, kids, retirement. The basic life goals everyone is supposed to have. Go out into the world, figure out who you are, then settle back down and start a family.
If life is supposed to be so diverse, and completely what we make of it, and unique to everyone...why is it that the assumed life path for everyone is essentially the same? That in order to have lead a "full" life, one must be married with children?
What happened to our own paths? Anything we want to do?
Why do we all end up being the same?
Essentially, that's what happens. You're either old and with no family left, or old with the kids and grandkids coming around to help.
I don't want a laid out path. I don't want to settle into some big cliche.
I don't want to conform to what is expected of me. I'm tired of following the line, being good.
If the usual standard of living, the gauge as to how full life is, is based off of a family which you start...
What if I don't?
Would I be considered less? Considered as not having as full a life because I went off and did what I wished rather than what I was expected?
Why is it that everyone is so unique on so many levels, yet all any single college age person wants is a relationship, and at least some point in adulthood, all anyone wants is a child?
How is it possible that we could be so unique...yet so similar?
And who decided this anyway? Can't one lead a fulfilling life without the family aspect? What makes that the single most acceptable path one can take in their life?
There's a million movies and books out there with the theme that family is most important. That jobs are superficial and that one should focus on family more than anything. Not pre-existing family, but one's children and spouse.
*where is this coming from????*
At this point...
I don't want children.
It could change, I'm very well aware of that. But right now, it's not what I'm looking ahead to.
And while I would like to have some form of a relationship...
I realized this one during the movie...
I don't want my happiness to depend on some guy. I don't want to have to depend on someone else for anything. That's been the most consistent aspect of my personality since day one.
Very independent.
And I don't want to feel that I can't be happy unless some guy notices me. And likes me. And everything else...
I'm okay single. Heck, I'm great single right now.
Independent.
No longer dwelling on this.
I recently looked back on a few of my past posts...
As much as a year or so ago, I would have rather died than admit having wishes for a relationship.
I started to become someone I'd never wanted to be.
*disclaimer: I am referring to MYSELF. I know many people who wish above all other things for a relationship. I understand. Completely. I have NOTHING against that whatsoever. This is about MY wishes. And mine alone.*
I just...did not want to dwell on it. For as much as a second.
I don't need a guy. I'm not going on and on about not having anyone any more.
I am fine being Rachel and Rachel alone.
If it happens, it happens. But I have more pressing concerns than dating right now.
This is me.
SINGLE.
And damn proud.
Breaking the pre-set mold of most all college age girls:
No, I do not care about a lack of boyfriend right now.
No, I am not dwelling on "settling down" in the future. Or marraige. Or family.
If it happens, it happens.
But I am focusing on the aspects of my life I can control right now.
If I continue putting most of my thoughts into the things that are completely out of my control...I'll combust.
I just find it so difficult to come up with a definite future plan or future wishes regarding marraige and children. Because it completely depends on someone else. It's something you can't think up yourself, and then expect to find a Mr. Right that fits all of those expectations.
Whatever happens, happens.
It's completely up to fate.
Not only that...is that really what I want?
Wedding bands and children?
Yes...and no.
I'm kind of back and forth on that one.
I just have a hard time picturing myself as a mom.
And I'm tired of following the set path and all of that bologna...
This is MY life. It will go as I choose for it.
And, for once in my life, I am not conforming and just following what has been expected of me.
Single...and PROUD.